The Story Takes Over and Real Life Calls

So, at some point, my characters decided to take over the story and lead it away from my original plans, so it feels like I've lost complete control. It's a moment to stop, read over what I've written so far and see what the compromise can be: where do I want to take it and where do they want to take it? If not, I fear that the story will become that never ending monster, the novel that I'll be writing my whole life because I cannot find a satisfying ending to it. It's exciting, though, to see how alive my characters are. In fact, I spend a lot of time just sitting around when I can't be in front of the computer for uninterrupted writing time, dreaming about them, listening to them, plotting out and developing scenes. Long car rides are particularly good for this, I've found. I always end them desperate to sit at my laptop, typing away. I could practically lose myself in their world, and often do.

But then real life calls me over and reminds me there's more to my life than my make-believe world. And baby boy is already over 8 months old. The books all say, finger foods. So I tried that yesterday. Sat him in his little booster seat, cut up some avocados and let him at them. He loves avocado. I figured it's be great first finger food. I'm sure the floor enjoyed it. And the tray. And my pants. And his arms, chest and face. Everything but his mouth. Dorian proceeded to squeeze the avocado to a nice paste and redecorate. I'm thinking here finger foods are better if the baby actually has teeth. Which Dorian doesn't. Oh, he's been teething for months. But not even a sign of teeth yet! I should have taken a picture, but I was too busy laughing at the mess a baby can make with three little pieces of avocado. And then there's more work cleaning up. But all worth it to see how much fun he was having. I'm even going to repeat it today. Maybe the little pieces of avocado will actually make it to his mouth this time!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY @ MOM.DOT

So my backyard is a mess. It's actually more of my husband's work studio and the parts that he hasn't claimed are overgrown with weeds and sharing space with two passionfruit vines grown wild, a huge dead mango tree (horrible landlords poisoned it to kill it!), a guanabana tree and a few plantain trees, plus sand, rocks, etc. But this morning I look out the kitchen window and see this (there was actually a tiny little bird under them when I first looked but the dogs had chased it away by the time I got my camera):

On a roll...

First. Sunday morning baby boy woke up in great mood, playing and clapping and his version of singing. E puts him into his playard, with his toys and what does baby boy do? He ignores all the toys and goes for the one book lying in there. E says, "He really is your son." Yup. Yes he is. :D

Second. I'm really on a productive roll. So proud of myself. Saturday I managed to basically iron all of baby's clothes (and there were a lot as I had accumulated ironing for like weeks!) (Do I have to iron? Yes. We don't have a dryer and the wind dries the baby's clothes kind of wrinkly and feeling stiff--and as much as I generally hate ironing, somehow ironing the baby's clothes it's almost like meditation. I know. Weird.) But not only did I iron on Saturday, I also managed to get us all showered, fed and ready to go to a birthday party on time. On time being the special phrase there because since baby's arrival that has been a major challenge! And then, after the party, when baby finally gave up partying and fell asleep (I'm serious, how does an 8-month old have that much energy?!!!!), I sat in front of my laptop and wrote. Yes, I said WROTE. I worked on the novel uninterrupted til I finished another chapter. Yay!

Third. Sunday was rainy all day. Dark. Windy. A bit cold. Hurricane season has finally arrived, though usually here that just translates into annoying and rainy (hey, I'm thankful for that--I'd rather not live through another hurricane if I can help it). So I planned the baby's 1st birthday party with my mom. Yes, it is almost 4 months away. But, we are planning on making everything ourselves and of course, I'm super ambitious and this is baby's first birthday (which he won't remember at all and can only look at the pictures--but I don't care--it's important to mommy!). I'm actually really excited to start working on all the stuff and hopefully will be buying some of the materials or gathering some (as there's no need to buy all of them) later this week so I can actually move from planning to doing! We even wrote out the guestlist. Well, it was more of my mom taking care of baby and playing with him while I threw out ideas at her and kept annoying her by calling her over the laptop to look at pictures. :D

Fourth. Monday morning. My ex-coworkers went back to work today so I decided to make this my end of summer day too. And I managed to wake up to my alarm (finally--only took like the whole summer!) though I didn't need to as baby alarm was right on time too asking for his milk. Fed the baby, got up and exercised, made a healthy breakfast, watched the news, and then, as baby and E are still sleeping, stole this moment to write this post and play on the internet. Because I have actual work projects to work on the rest of the day and another novel chapter to finish (if baby agrees to give mommy time today).

Anyway, have a great, productive week. I know I will!

Jigsaw Puzzle

That's what my novel is turning into. Or I should say, has begun as. I get these flashes, whole scenes, but they are not necessarily in order. I can see in my mind how they are connected, but they are not yet connected. I was trying to force myself to write in order, so I kept sketching those flashing in my notebook: notes, entire scenes, even some revision, right on the notebook, while trying to type the story in order. It was too hard! So now, I've decided to collect the puzzle pieces and start putting them together later. I started other documents with the other chapters, which has given me freedom to flesh them out completely, instead of trying to rush back to the original manuscript, which is what I was doing before. I love the freedom of this. I've never tried writing like that, but I think it might just work for me.

I've also started getting new story ideas. So, what to do? What to do? I liked just focusing on the one, but now I have all these other voices in my mind, fighting for their own space to be heard. I guess I'll work in all of them at the same time for now? A little here and a little there? Does that work? Or will that make me so crazy I won't finish anything? That's my fear, actually, but so far, it hasn't affected any of it. Actually, it's pushing me to write more and more. So I guess I'll go with that.

In completely unrelated news, I have to plan for our first overnight trip with baby. It sounded so simple. It's not! jajaja! But I am excited. I'm afraid of leaving anything I might need, but don't want to overpack. I've always seen all those parents will all those bags for even little trips. I always said that wouldn't be me. Now, I understand a little better. So, to control myself from overpacking, I'm going to make a list of what I'm taking, then go over it obsessively to make sure nothing important is left out and that I'm not taking unnecessary things. We are going to the beach, just for one night, to a resort, for a cousin's wedding. This sounds like it should be easier than if I was going to someone's house, but for me, it's actually a lot harder! Ughh! Okay, better go get that list started.

Blackout Days

First, never underestimate the power of flowers: So Eduard went out today to run a few errands and when he came back, he had, surprise! flowers for me. Not just flowers, gorgeous , bright yellow, happy sunflowers, my favorite! And seriously, I believe those sunflowers are so magical that they managed to make me remain calm and semi-productive as we suffered through another whole day blackout again! (yesterday, I gave up and took the baby to my parents' place, where I could lay under a nice ceiling fan and talk my afternoon away).

So, on to said blackout. 7+ hours (shorter than yesterday's 9). Wow. In the middle of the summer. I mean, it's not quite unexpected here in little tiny moving-backwards country, but seriously, I had gotten used to having 24-hours of electricity again. Dumb me. Plus, our inverter's batteries are just about dead and we will have to invest in new ones, as soon as we can so about 30 minutes into the blackout the power completely died. Normally, I would have started freaking, especially since baby is not only teething (and I think he has more than one tooth coming in at the same time) he is also experiencing his first cold. The poor thing is a little congested, with a slight fever that comes and goes and generally not feeling good. But somehow, I got baby to sleep on his playard and put the playard near the front door where a nice breeze was actually coming in, and decided to see how I could best use my time since I couldn't do anything that needed electricity.

Well, first I did all the breakfast dishes and cleaned up the kitchen some. That done, I peeked at my desk area and realized that I really needed to clean it up and organize it. I think my writing has been taking a toll because my desk has gotten so out of control! I kind of started to clean and organize it, but with the exception of that front door area, my house is an oven, so I quickly gave up and decided to wait for my fans to be working. But, my desk area should be finished and organized in the next few days. I did put some new pictures of baby up on my wall in my desk area, though. And that led me to spend quite a while organzing and labeling photographs so they can be ready to be put in albums. This is something I've been meaning to do for a while--like for four and half years! Yes, I'm embarrassed to say that our whole courtship, marriage, pregnancy and baby's life til now is all there, recorded, but not organized at all! Well, now it is, and I also figured out what other pictures I wanted to have printed so I can complete my albums. All in all a very progressive day.

Meanwhile, the blackout continued. After baby woke up, Eduard literally sat in our front gallery area, where there is a breeze, on a blanket on the floor with the baby. For hours. Because it was the only cool place to wait out the blackout. Eduard did get a little desperate at one point and called the electricity company to find out when they expected the blackout to end. Their answer: We really don't have a time because this a country-wide situation. What?!!!! Yes, that's the kind of answer he got. 3 times. Because he called back and talked to different representatives just to make sure. And then I talked to my parents, who were out in our hometown in the center of the country for the day and apparently, the people at the electric company were not lying, because there was no electricity there. That gives you an idea of where I live.

And the blackout continued. I finally got up and made some lunch for us, though by that time it was closer to dinner time and we were not really hungry (due to the fact that we had become sloths in the heat). And I was still not upset! (Very out of character for me). Everytime I glanced at those bright orange flowers brightening up my living room I got happy.

And my sick baby? Oh wow, I do have the sweetest baby in the world. And I'm not saying that because I'm his mother (okay, maybe a little because I'm his mother). He didn't complain, not once. The poor thing coughed and sneezed and you could tell his little throat hurt a little but generally he sat on that blanket on the floor and played with his dad or on the playard and played with his toys and when he was too tired, he did want to be in mommy's arms, but only til he fell asleep. You would have never known he was sick!

Ah, the electricity did finally come back when I was finally beginning to lose it a bit.

On a little sad note though, I realized today that we're pretty much done with breastfeeding. I feel really sad about it though due to some health issues, we were never sure I would even be able to breastfeed, but I made it to 7 months. The last 3 weeks or so, my production really dropped and baby asked for the breast less and less and just drank his formula happily. He still wants the breast but only to fall asleep (he'll take it for a few minutes and fall asleep). I hate losing that bond that I felt we had. Eduard tells me it's okay. The baby is already 7 months and I made it past 6 months, which was my goal when we first thought I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. Still, I'm sad. I guess it'll take a little while to get used to it. But it's weird that my baby would get sick just when he's pretty much drinking formula instead of breastmilk, so there's some guilty feelings involved in that too. :(

Anyway, I'm hoping tomorrow is not another all-day blackout, but I kind of know the answer to that already, so I'm going to try to rise ridiculously early (for me, now) and see if I can get a few things done before the electric company does its thing again!

Balancing Act

Now that I don't have an official job (stop--it's still new enough that I have to stop and celebrate for a moment this new freedom from my previously uninspiring, oppressive environment), I am learning to balance "working" and being a full-time stay-at-home mom. I would have thought that I had learned part of this, when I went back to that other job a few months ago. Now I realize that I didn't since this is what I actually did: dropped off baby at my mother's, went to work and did what was required of me there (missed baby all day), after work, I picked up baby from my mother's and came home to exist only for baby. In the meantime, all the housework stuff, organization stuff piled up so that weekends were for that. Ughh. What a life.

Now, I actually do have to balance "working" and taking care of baby and taking care of my home and well, just having me-time. And somehow, it's all working out. First thing I've learned over the last few weeks: turn off the tv. I used to have the tv on for "background noise" all the time. Then one day, I turned it off and marveled at how much more I got done. I realized that when the tv was on all the time, I would stop in front of the tv constantly, and waste precious time. So now, I try to have the tv off most of the day. Second, stay off Facebook when I'm trying to actually get something done on the computer. Sounds easier than it is. (Major addiction that. I don't know what it is about Facebook, but it totally eats up my time!) Third, make realistic to-do lists. I used to make these long, long to-do lists and get almost nothing done, then, I would beat myself up over it. Now, my to-do lists can only include a few things. Writing is at the top of the list everyday, non-negotiable. So then I can add: go the supermarket. Or do laundry and iron. Or sweep and mop and dust. Or visit mom. Or take baby for his doctor's checkup. Etc. Never more than 2 or 3 items on the list since I know I won't get through more than that. Fourth, get baby on a schedule. It's a work-in-progress, but I have to say that the last 3 days have been pretty consistent with eating times and nap times and play time and bedtime. Keeeping my fingers crossed that it continues.

My little tyrant, oops, baby, does like to be entertained and gets easily bored, so husband and I share the entertaining/play time. Sometimes it's just playing with him, sometimes it's baby watching us work. Baby seems to particularly enjoy sitting out in the backyard watching husband paint and watching the dogs. But once he's bored, he's very vocal about it, and if it's not feeding time, or a dirty diaper, or sleep time, that means he would like new entertainment. He's quite demanding for someone who can't talk yet (thank god!), but he's so damned cute, that we tend to forgive him. ;-)

(Little tyrant on his throne)

I guess I also have to add that I'm lucky that husband's here to help me throughout the day, whether it be sharing on the childcare, or cleaning or cooking. I think life would be much, much harder if I had to do it all alone, though I think this schedule I'm working out will make it just a little easier.

There are a few things left to still: finish organizing every little aspect of my house. I've found that the more organized things originally are, the easier they are to keep clean and organized. And there's the little matter of getting to bed at a decent hour so I can start waking up ealier than I have. Instead of jumping out of bed to prepare baby's food, it would be nice to get up, stretch, exercise, and just think before starting my real day. I guess I'll work those into my own schedule in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I'm planning tomorrow's to-do list: write, translate resume, visit mom. (There you go: 3 doable things.) :D

And in one moment...all these possibilities open up...

One day you have a job, that although it provides some fulfillment, normally makes you miserable. The next, you are a free woman, with limitless possibilities, and somehow, on that same day, some doors begin to open pushing you in the direction you have wanted to go in so long! That has been my week so far. I couldn't ask for a better one.

There is a degree of fear involved, of course, to not have a steady job anymore when I have a young child at home, yet, the fear involved is so little that it confirms that this is the best path for me for sure. Right after I knew I wasn't returning to my job in the fall, I felt the beginnings of euphoria. Freedom! What I've wanted for so long and had been too responsible and afraid to make happen. And I'm guessing that because I feel this is so right for me, that because my attitude about this has been so positive, the right doors have begun to open. I truly feel now like I felt when I was 20 and everything seemed reachable, my future a completely open book. In the years since then, I haven't always felt this positive. There have been many dark moments. So it is incredible to get back that feeling, get back to that place, and continue the path that I started so long ago.

I promised myself I would get here when Dorian was born six months ago. No, I promised myself that earlier, when he was still in my womb, growing. Somehow, I had to live life in my own terms and be an example for my son, to do something that I loved and completely fulfilled me, without the terrible compromises we have to sometimes make. He would have had that example from his father anyway, but I wanted it to come from both of us. And now it will.

As for me, I have so much to learn yet in this new path, and my studies have already begun. And it couldn't feel any better. The other plus is that I get to be immersed in my writing again, my characters are allowed out of my mind again (and they were getting restless in there!), their world can keep growing, their story developing.

Writing, writing, writing!

So I came by this quote by Ray Bradbury while reading the FundsforWriters newsletter today: "Stay drunk on writing so reality doesn't destroy you." Oh my god! That's exactly how I've felt today, drunk on writing. Riding an amazing high after writing a section that has particularly pleased me today. A section I did not plan but that I "heard" and had to just write. So I wrote, without stopping for a long while, with a certain desperation, and then, wow!

I thought about it when I was done with that section, when I was feeling all "happy" as we say here in DR for feeling just a little drunk and then I realized that I've been using writing to keep reality at bay for a few weeks now. Reality includes all these worries, which can become horrible worries (especially when you look at your 4-month old baby sleeping peacefully in his crib and think about all you want to provide for his life). And writing, well, in writing anything can happen and it often does. :D

Drunk on writing. I plan to stay that way for a long time. :D

What I've Learned Today

I've learned that my son has the most perfect little nose.
I've learned that when I believe in myself, I can overcome the obstacles that scare me most.
I've learned that for each small goal I reach, each little tiny step I take, the bigger ones seem more manageable.
I've learned that practice does make perfect, at least helps you improve: after spending a week writing daily for a few hours each day, I've found a great rhythm!

But I've also learned that it is ridiculously painful when your realize someone close to you does not believe in you, does not support you
And that it feels amazing when your soul mate tells you it doesn't matter, because he believes in you and that's what counts.

Inspiration!

Inspiration comes from very surprising places. About two weeks ago, my sister gave me that giant sunflower to cheer up my day. For some reason, wherever there are sunflowers, I am happy. This giant sunny flower certainly brightened up an already colorful living room! But even more than that, suddenly, my characters were speaking to me again and I wrote out (by hand no less!) an entire scene for my new story. And of course, it centered on sunflowers!

So far, writing this story has been exciting and painful at the same time. I keep "hearing" new stuff that happens in the story and I write it down in my notebook, but it's all out of order. At the same time, I've been writing the story on my laptop, in order, and that has been quite painful sometimes, especially when I've felt stuck, like I can't go anymore, but I've pushed on. Okay, so far it's been two weeks of working on it, but I've done it daily, and for the last week I've set writing goals daily and met them! I started the story doubting myself, feeling rusty after so long not writing, but each day gives me just a little more assurance that I can finish this and see it through and it fights that horrible little voice that sometimes makes me think maybe I should give up writing completely. The notebook stays by my side at all time so I've been writing ideas, scenes, questions as they occur to me: at the doctor's office, in the shade while waiting for my car to cool off after it overheated, at work, at my parents' house, before going to bed, waiting in line someplace, in the car....and I have to admit that every time more stuff gets revealed to me, I feel a little rush like okay, I can see this project through. It is taking my writing in a completely different direction, one that was unexpected, but I'm having fun doing it too!

I've also been posting my updates on Facebook and my friends' reactions and encouragement has been amazing for my progress. That should balance out the fact that I waste too much time on Facebook to begin with. ;-)

The other side of this is that Dorian is actually "cooperating" with my writing needs by going to sleep early enough that I can get an hour or so in there just to sit in front of the laptop to concentrate on the story and write. Of course, it helps I'm on vacation. Next week will be the real test. :D Wish me luck!