Avoiding bedtime leads to lovely conversation.

I just had the most amazing conversation with my son.  It all began, of course, with him wanting to avoid bedtime, so when all else failed, he popped up with an interesting topic.

D: So how am I going to catch all my dreams?
Me: What do you mean?
D: So they don't go away.
Me: Well, we can get a dream catcher or we can write them down in a notebook so you can always have them.
D: (thinks about it).  But how do I know they are still there?
Me: You have to work hard to make your dreams reality. You know how Mami is writing a book? (He nods).  That's my dream.  So I am doing it because I want to make it a reality.  What is one dream you have?
D: (laughs): That's not about cars? (I nod.  He thinks about it some more.) Um, I want to jump and swim all by myself in the big pool.
Me: That's a good dream.
D: But I can't.
Me: Not yet. But you are working hard it.  You know your swimming class that go to and do everything alone and whatever the teacher says? (nods) That's you working to make your dream come true.
D: But then one day I will jump in and swim by myself?
Me: Yes. Do you want to write it down and write all your dreams down?  That way we can keep them and check them off as you make them happen?
D: Can we type them into the computer?

I love that the dreams he has when he sleeps and the things he wishes to do are all labeled dreams together (hence the comment about cars. He literally dreams about cars).  I also love that sometimes talking to my 4 1/2 year old results in the most wonderful conversation of the day for me.

NaNoWriMo...in June!

I am attempting this again! This time during the summer as a way to kick start my creative summer. :)

I thought I knew the story I wanted to use for this little experiment. I even have the entire outline done for that story, but now I find myself questioning what I want to do. I think I have too many stories running through my mind and I need to pick one and go.  30 days, 50,000 words.  Here we go!

Starting from Scratch

I used to love the idea of starting over. In fact, I took pride in the fact that I had done it, various times: moved, reinvented my life, started over. It had always seemed simply like an adventure and I quickly forgot about how hard starting over really is. Probably because I had only myself to truly think about.

 It turns out that starting over with a toddler and an infant is a whole different story.  It's been a period of doubting myself constantly, of giving in to self-pity, and yes even depression.  But there have also been good moments, hopeful  moments and moments of discovering who is truly there for you.

Some challenges did present themselves just as we started over: my husband got laid off and I lost the job I thought I had waiting for me.  So, starting over with two kids and no jobs. To make matters worse, the teaching certification I thought I would have as soon as I got here, did not materialize.  States have all sorts of different requirements and this one decided I'm missing classes that I cannot possible take right now.  Of course, if anyone in the Department of Education in this state would take two seconds to talk to you about the full set of requirements without charging you 50 dollars and making you wait 3 months, I would have avoided all this and set my sights somewhere else.  But what is done is done, and no matter what, we have no choice but to keep going forward right now.

The beginning felt so tough, that I simply wanted to pack up and return home, close to our relatives, close to everything familiar.  My best friend said it felt like I had given up before I'd even started. And she was right. There were days, still are days, when all I do, and I mean, all, is to simply sit at home with my kids and count the minutes til the day is over thinking is one more day done and one less day away from my home, in this place that feels so alien. 

I'm getting better though. I have the promise of work. My husband is working again and I know somehow things will get easier in the coming months, more settled, more stable.  But my doubts remain.  And my doubts have everything to do with my children and questioning if we did the right thing by moving here in the first place.  I'm not sure anymore if anything is worth my children growing up away from their extended family. I'm not sure if anything is worth my spending the rest of my parents' lives away from them.  I can't go back right now, but I'm not sure where my future lies. I just don't want to feel stuck anywhere, or frozen by fear, which is what the last few weeks have felt like.

It doesn't help that it's the middle of winter. That the sun sets at like 4:30 in the afternoon and the nights feel too long.  That it's miserably cold. That it has snowed more than I've ever wanted.  That I have to keep my boys cooped up in the apartment all day.  That we all get cabin fever.  I can officially say that after 6 years of thinking I missed winter, I'm over it. If I don't see another full winter again, I'll be fine. It turns out I did not miss the cold, the snow, the annoyance of winter. It was just "the grass is always greener on the other side."  Except this move has taught me, it's really not.

Of course, with kids involved, every decision we make must be so carefully thought over.  And already, there are regrets to some of our major decisions.  So again, we have to look forward and keep moving on, to where, I'm not sure yet.

Sunday Scribblings #199: Yes!

Last year I said Yes to believing myself a writer.  It took me years of starts and stops but last year, in about 6 months, I finished my first novel, and one I'm proud of. I'm still working on it, revising and polishing, but it made me believe in myself as a writer, something that I was beginning to give up on. 

Last year, I also said Yes to believing that things turn out okay no matter how desperate the situation seems.  I have to constantly remind myself of this even now, because I do panic when things are out of my control or when I think I've made a mistake, or simply when I'm not sure how they are going to turn out. 

This year, I am saying Yes to new beginnings, of all kinds, because my life will be full of them.   I love the idea of new beginnings.  The reality of them has become something else since my child was born.  New beginnings now come with real fear of the unknown, because I want to give my child the most stable life possible. And yet, without new beginnings, I would feel stuck, depressed, lost, and then I would not definitely not give him the life he deserves or myself. So new beginnings, here we come. 

This year, I am also saying a definite Yes to being positive.  I do not mean not reflecting on my actions, especially if they did not have the outcome I wanted, but for sure reflecting on them and then looking at how to make things better for my family and myself.  I won't dwell on the things that are wrong, but on what can go right.  And to help myself with this, this year, I am also saying Yes to making clear goals, visualizing them, and being organized about reaching them. 

What are you saying Yes to this year? 

NaNoWriMo

So, NaNoWriMo has officially started today and I think I started with a bang.  2000 words. It helps that so much of this story is already defined in my head and that I feel I know these characters so well.  I wonder if I'm overextending myself this month, giving myself so many projects to work on (some writing-related, most not!).  But I guess I will do it as long as I can and I have the energy. I always did work better when I was 1. under deadline and 2. super busy--because then I had to organized my time no matter what and make priorities. I tend to waste so much time doing nothing when I do have time. 

Anyway, I did have to break my writing time into two today to write out that first scene--half before D. was up and half after he went to bed. But it was all worth it. And in between and later too, I kept revising and coming up with more things to revise for the novel! 

And I'm so wound up with energy, I'm surprising myself!  Actually, I love having all this going on! It's making me motivated too to keep going and actually following through on the goals I wrote out for myself this year.  Just had to share. 

Revising...and new characters intruding in my dreams

So, in the end, I stepped away from the finished draft for a week and have started to revise again.  Revision is hard, adding, cutting, rethinking. And I've been taking notes during the writing of things I was sure I was going to revise anyway.  AND I revise as I write anyway, so my revisions are actually less than if I would not revise at all.  But I've never been able to simply write without revising, so I guess that's a plus. 

But here's my surprise, even as I'm completely living in one universe, what happens in my dreams?  A new world, new characters enter it so insitently that I had to wake up this morning and begin writing about them too! I'm not sure I'm ready to write the whole story out now, so I took a new notebook just fr it and began writing down those snatches of conversation I witnessed in my dreams and outlining where I think this story wants to go (though I'm sure it'll change as I'm actually writing it).  I guess it's true, there more you write, the more you'll want to write.   I'm actually thinking maybe I'll try this story for NaNoWriMo afterall.  All the possibilities. 

Discipline

It's what I woke up thinking about. 

First, there's the discipline you choose to give your children. Recently, a friend shared her view on discipline with us.  As her two-year-old + daughter ran around screaming and laughing and generally creating chaos, she laughed and said, "So when I went to sign her up for school, they asked me what kind of discipline we have at home.  I just laughed and said, 'Discipline, what discipline? She's two!'"  I have to said that said little girl is referred to as a tornado and though we all say it jokingly, there's some truth to the words that we are afraid of her visiting. 

So, I worry about how I"m going to shape my own son as he grows.  I struggle with schedules for him: eating, napping, bedtime.  But he is a pretty well-behaved baby so far.  Still, I don't ever want him to be the "tornado" everyone fears a visit from.

But I also woke up thinking about my writing discipline.  All those years of having more than enough time to write, to sleep and wake as I pleased, with no little people to be responsible for, and yet, my writing discipline has only developed now, after my son was born, when my time is limited. Ironic. Or maybe I did need to feel time was limited and I had to make time for my writing.  Yes, sometimes I skip a day or two with my writing, but overall, I make time write everyday now.  I skipped two days this week so what did I do yesterday? I drank a large cup of coffee so that after the baby was asleep, I could stay up writing. And I did so til 3am this morning. Not the best of decisions, of course, since baby is teething and ended up having a bad night and now, with a few hours of unrestful sleep and another large coffee in me, I'm up and doing all the mommy things (and with a semi-cranky baby to boot) and still anxious for tonight to come, when I can sit down for a couple of hours and write. 

Proof That After Five Years I Haven't Adapted to this Country

O: So, things will get better next week with the blackouts.
Me: Yeah? What, they're going to stop?
O: No, they'll continue and probably increase, but at least they'll be scheduled.
Me: And this is better?
O (cheerfully): Yes, at least you'll know when they're coming and you'll be able to plan for them. It was always better when they were scheduled.
Me (confused): I guess...

So this is what life does to you in this country.  You being to believe that an improvement to the damned blackouts is more, scheduled blackouts.

The End is Here!

Yes, that's right. The final chapter of my novel.  Not only did I get my direction back in the last few days, I also got my ending. Like the entire chapter! Oh, the novel is not finished, there's still a lot I have to write out, but I wrote the ending. And what an ending!  There I was doing my daily 2 mile walk (yup, have been consistent for two weeks now!) and suddenly, I heard it all/saw it all in my head and couldn't wait to sit down and type it out. So as soon as I was done, I started, but only got halfway done before that pesky thing called real life intruded and made me come back to earth and take care of baby, run errands, honor prior commitments, but then finally I was able to sit down in front of the trusty laptop again and write, write, write. And now it's written. And I can go to bed and dream about my story some more (and already I want it to be tomorrow so I can continue typing).  It's amazing knowing the end. Becuase that means I also know pretty much everything that's missing. That is, unless my characters decide to play with me and just plain confuse me again. But that won't happen. No, they'll be good this time. :D  Oh, I really, literally can say I wrote the end! I'm still celebrating. Of course, there's a ton of work done. Don't care though. :D I think this is still reason to celebrate.

Oh, that's right, and even before I got to write, Dorian decided to show us his brand new tooth. His first, which sprouted overnight (except he's been teething for what feels like months!).  Oh, my son is growing soooo fast!

Goodnight!

The positive side of those annoying blackouts.

I love waking up to this face:



But I hate waking up to no electricity, and not just for a bit, no. For the whole day, practically. And by the time the electricity came back again, around 4pm, I really was in no mood to do anything more than lay around and do nothing! However, in the middle of the blackout, I did get the ending of a chapter that I had been struggling with and finally sat down and wrote it out. Of course, by that time, Dorian was cranky and ñoño, wanting to be carried, wanting to be put on the floor, carried again, crying, sleepy but fighting it, and most of all, going crazy from the humidity and the heat. Okay, and so was I. But somehow, I did write it out (and I really prefer to type my stories) and from finishing this one chapter, that pesky question of where the story was going, somehow got answered for me. Just like that. Should I thank the blackout? I was just sitting there, playing on the floor with Dorian when it came to me. If there had been no blackout, I would have been doing laundry, cleaning, or maybe watching tv, or on the internet or on facebook, all distractions that keep me from writing. But instead, I was just sitting there, trying to keep a cranky baby entertained, and boom! there they were, characters speaking in my head again. So I guess I'll see the positive side to a whole day without electricity in the hottest month of the year no less.