Balancing Act

Now that I don't have an official job (stop--it's still new enough that I have to stop and celebrate for a moment this new freedom from my previously uninspiring, oppressive environment), I am learning to balance "working" and being a full-time stay-at-home mom. I would have thought that I had learned part of this, when I went back to that other job a few months ago. Now I realize that I didn't since this is what I actually did: dropped off baby at my mother's, went to work and did what was required of me there (missed baby all day), after work, I picked up baby from my mother's and came home to exist only for baby. In the meantime, all the housework stuff, organization stuff piled up so that weekends were for that. Ughh. What a life.

Now, I actually do have to balance "working" and taking care of baby and taking care of my home and well, just having me-time. And somehow, it's all working out. First thing I've learned over the last few weeks: turn off the tv. I used to have the tv on for "background noise" all the time. Then one day, I turned it off and marveled at how much more I got done. I realized that when the tv was on all the time, I would stop in front of the tv constantly, and waste precious time. So now, I try to have the tv off most of the day. Second, stay off Facebook when I'm trying to actually get something done on the computer. Sounds easier than it is. (Major addiction that. I don't know what it is about Facebook, but it totally eats up my time!) Third, make realistic to-do lists. I used to make these long, long to-do lists and get almost nothing done, then, I would beat myself up over it. Now, my to-do lists can only include a few things. Writing is at the top of the list everyday, non-negotiable. So then I can add: go the supermarket. Or do laundry and iron. Or sweep and mop and dust. Or visit mom. Or take baby for his doctor's checkup. Etc. Never more than 2 or 3 items on the list since I know I won't get through more than that. Fourth, get baby on a schedule. It's a work-in-progress, but I have to say that the last 3 days have been pretty consistent with eating times and nap times and play time and bedtime. Keeeping my fingers crossed that it continues.

My little tyrant, oops, baby, does like to be entertained and gets easily bored, so husband and I share the entertaining/play time. Sometimes it's just playing with him, sometimes it's baby watching us work. Baby seems to particularly enjoy sitting out in the backyard watching husband paint and watching the dogs. But once he's bored, he's very vocal about it, and if it's not feeding time, or a dirty diaper, or sleep time, that means he would like new entertainment. He's quite demanding for someone who can't talk yet (thank god!), but he's so damned cute, that we tend to forgive him. ;-)

(Little tyrant on his throne)

I guess I also have to add that I'm lucky that husband's here to help me throughout the day, whether it be sharing on the childcare, or cleaning or cooking. I think life would be much, much harder if I had to do it all alone, though I think this schedule I'm working out will make it just a little easier.

There are a few things left to still: finish organizing every little aspect of my house. I've found that the more organized things originally are, the easier they are to keep clean and organized. And there's the little matter of getting to bed at a decent hour so I can start waking up ealier than I have. Instead of jumping out of bed to prepare baby's food, it would be nice to get up, stretch, exercise, and just think before starting my real day. I guess I'll work those into my own schedule in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I'm planning tomorrow's to-do list: write, translate resume, visit mom. (There you go: 3 doable things.) :D

And in one moment...all these possibilities open up...

One day you have a job, that although it provides some fulfillment, normally makes you miserable. The next, you are a free woman, with limitless possibilities, and somehow, on that same day, some doors begin to open pushing you in the direction you have wanted to go in so long! That has been my week so far. I couldn't ask for a better one.

There is a degree of fear involved, of course, to not have a steady job anymore when I have a young child at home, yet, the fear involved is so little that it confirms that this is the best path for me for sure. Right after I knew I wasn't returning to my job in the fall, I felt the beginnings of euphoria. Freedom! What I've wanted for so long and had been too responsible and afraid to make happen. And I'm guessing that because I feel this is so right for me, that because my attitude about this has been so positive, the right doors have begun to open. I truly feel now like I felt when I was 20 and everything seemed reachable, my future a completely open book. In the years since then, I haven't always felt this positive. There have been many dark moments. So it is incredible to get back that feeling, get back to that place, and continue the path that I started so long ago.

I promised myself I would get here when Dorian was born six months ago. No, I promised myself that earlier, when he was still in my womb, growing. Somehow, I had to live life in my own terms and be an example for my son, to do something that I loved and completely fulfilled me, without the terrible compromises we have to sometimes make. He would have had that example from his father anyway, but I wanted it to come from both of us. And now it will.

As for me, I have so much to learn yet in this new path, and my studies have already begun. And it couldn't feel any better. The other plus is that I get to be immersed in my writing again, my characters are allowed out of my mind again (and they were getting restless in there!), their world can keep growing, their story developing.

Writing, writing, writing!

So I came by this quote by Ray Bradbury while reading the FundsforWriters newsletter today: "Stay drunk on writing so reality doesn't destroy you." Oh my god! That's exactly how I've felt today, drunk on writing. Riding an amazing high after writing a section that has particularly pleased me today. A section I did not plan but that I "heard" and had to just write. So I wrote, without stopping for a long while, with a certain desperation, and then, wow!

I thought about it when I was done with that section, when I was feeling all "happy" as we say here in DR for feeling just a little drunk and then I realized that I've been using writing to keep reality at bay for a few weeks now. Reality includes all these worries, which can become horrible worries (especially when you look at your 4-month old baby sleeping peacefully in his crib and think about all you want to provide for his life). And writing, well, in writing anything can happen and it often does. :D

Drunk on writing. I plan to stay that way for a long time. :D

What I've Learned Today

I've learned that my son has the most perfect little nose.
I've learned that when I believe in myself, I can overcome the obstacles that scare me most.
I've learned that for each small goal I reach, each little tiny step I take, the bigger ones seem more manageable.
I've learned that practice does make perfect, at least helps you improve: after spending a week writing daily for a few hours each day, I've found a great rhythm!

But I've also learned that it is ridiculously painful when your realize someone close to you does not believe in you, does not support you
And that it feels amazing when your soul mate tells you it doesn't matter, because he believes in you and that's what counts.

Inspiration!

Inspiration comes from very surprising places. About two weeks ago, my sister gave me that giant sunflower to cheer up my day. For some reason, wherever there are sunflowers, I am happy. This giant sunny flower certainly brightened up an already colorful living room! But even more than that, suddenly, my characters were speaking to me again and I wrote out (by hand no less!) an entire scene for my new story. And of course, it centered on sunflowers!

So far, writing this story has been exciting and painful at the same time. I keep "hearing" new stuff that happens in the story and I write it down in my notebook, but it's all out of order. At the same time, I've been writing the story on my laptop, in order, and that has been quite painful sometimes, especially when I've felt stuck, like I can't go anymore, but I've pushed on. Okay, so far it's been two weeks of working on it, but I've done it daily, and for the last week I've set writing goals daily and met them! I started the story doubting myself, feeling rusty after so long not writing, but each day gives me just a little more assurance that I can finish this and see it through and it fights that horrible little voice that sometimes makes me think maybe I should give up writing completely. The notebook stays by my side at all time so I've been writing ideas, scenes, questions as they occur to me: at the doctor's office, in the shade while waiting for my car to cool off after it overheated, at work, at my parents' house, before going to bed, waiting in line someplace, in the car....and I have to admit that every time more stuff gets revealed to me, I feel a little rush like okay, I can see this project through. It is taking my writing in a completely different direction, one that was unexpected, but I'm having fun doing it too!

I've also been posting my updates on Facebook and my friends' reactions and encouragement has been amazing for my progress. That should balance out the fact that I waste too much time on Facebook to begin with. ;-)

The other side of this is that Dorian is actually "cooperating" with my writing needs by going to sleep early enough that I can get an hour or so in there just to sit in front of the laptop to concentrate on the story and write. Of course, it helps I'm on vacation. Next week will be the real test. :D Wish me luck!

Writing

Getting back into a writing rhythm is hard, especially if you feel like you've gone years without writing at all! I find myself writing, rewriting, deleting and starting the whole process over and over again. I am doubting myself, constantly, which makes me anxious and almost ready to give up. But I haven't.

It's also really exciting, to feel so focused on this now, at this moment, that even all that doubt and false starts haven't made me stop. Strangely enough, I'm taking a different direction this time with my writing and it feels right. So, I just will keep pushing myself.

It's also strange how much of the story I hear in my head, all day long. It's like the story is writing itself, first telling itself to me, revisions included, and pushing me to write it. So maybe, this time, I'll keep my focus and see it through. I truly hope so.

Oh the possibilities...

So there is the possibility of a big change in my life in the next few weeks. It just became possible all of a sudden and though normally I'd panic about this, about the changes it could bring, I have reacted instead by feeling inspired and surprisingly, by getting over my writer's block! Yesterday, I woke up feeling lighter, more positive, full of ideas--I even put some of the ideas into motion. And this in itself is a big accomplishment for me in the last few months. There are things I planned on doing for years, changes I wanted to make that just got pushed back and pushed back, and now, suddenly, they might be the only option and I'm so looking forward to them, I cannot wait for the next few weeks to unfold.

In the meantime, I have a wonderful baby boy who is growing bigger every day. I wonder if babies show their personalities this early because I think mine is. Though he is generally a very happy baby, smiling and laughing with everyone, he also seems to already be stubborn and set in some of his ways (like his mom). He also complains loudly if things are not done the way he likes them. :D And also like me, he loves to "talk" all the time! :D (Not so good at 3am but what can you do!)

I was in such a good mood yesterday, that I even baked! I made a pineapple and carrot cake from scratch. I love making things from scratch and not from boxes, though time doesn't always lend itself to that. I actually first put all the ingredients out like in the cooking shows. I felt all professional too! jajaja!

And this is how the cake came out:

I am actually quite proud of it. It's been a while since I baked a cake. :D

So, today, still feeling positive, still working on my projects, still looking forward and anxiously awaiting the outcome of the next few weeks!

Mornings

I hear the birds chirping outside and sometimes, with the winter breezes, the leaves on the trees dancing all around. That is, if my neighbor doesn't decide to serenade us with extra-loud bachata from his car speakers at 7am, or if the countless vendors who drive, ride their carts, bikes, or walk by don't startle us with their sales pitch.

I love it when it's quiet, the baby is sleeping with his daddy, and I feel, just for a moment, all alone with my thoughts. I can sit, drink some tea, and dream about and plan all the things I'm going to get done today (which I never get to in the end.) The rest of the day flies by in a blur, and rarely do all of my plans get fulfilled, but at the beginning of the morning, very early, I can still believe. Today, I am making list of things that range from taking the baby to the doctor (must get done), to organizing some things around the house (might get done) to exercising (should get done, for both my personal and mental health) to actually working on at least one personal project (probably will have to be pushed back a day or two-but you never know. Though, maybe it doesn't since I think writing on this blog counts as part of my personal projects).

Mornings are when my ideas are flowing, for stories, for projects, for life. It used to be late, late night. That was my best working time, but somehow, it has all changed. I'm not sure when that happened, but it did. I've decided to keep an idea/thoughts/feelings/reflection journal. All together, because I've tried keeping them separate and gave up on all of them. I always imagine my journal to be full of not only writing, but sketches, fotos, colors, but somehow, I always give up on them. I think my last full journal was in college and that seems so many lives away. I think sometimes the idea of this journal appeals to me because maybe I can get back, fully, what I felt when I was still in college, like life was moving slowly and deliciously and I had all possibilities open to me. Sometimes I still think that, but maybe not deep enough, and I guess I want to feel it all again, especially now that I get to live life along with my baby boy.

Strange Days...

Last night, we ran out of cooking gas. My husband put the tank in our trunk and went to buy some, only to find that there was no cooking gas for sale anywhere! Supposedly, some cooking gas would come into the country at 3am so there would be none for sale until later this afternoon (ah, the joys of living in a third-world country!). So, this morning, when I woke up to no cooking gas, I had to figure out a way to creatively cook--and so the electric rice cooker became the answer. Now, the electric rice cooker is a lot more useful than I thought. You can cook rice, of course, but you can boil water for tea, boil eggs, cook pasta, veggies, etc. You can actually make a whole meal in this one pot! I already knew this before I tried it because one of my friends here had to spend a few days cooking all her meals in a rice cooker and she had gotten creative with it. But I have to say that it has saved the day!

In the meantime, the baby was tired, fighting sleep and crying on and off (that soft "ay, ay, ay" crying that little 2-month old babies often do). After trying to entertain him with music, his mobile, a walk around the backyard to take some sun, and just plain cooing to him, into the swing he went and voila! he was asleep in a few minutes. No more whimpering, no more "ay, ay, ay" complaint-crying that makes mommy feel bad and inexperienced and guilty for not solving baby's problem instantly.

So, I stole a few minutes on the laptop to begin typing this, as my iron warmed up so I could iron all of the baby clothes I washed yesterday. Since I don't have a dryer, all of baby's things have to be ironed after they dry. I used to hate ironing. Wouldn't do it for anything, ever. But strangely enough, I have come to enjoy ironing the baby's things. Not because ironing is a fun activity, but because I seem to lose myself in my thoughts during the time I'm ironing. It is completely like meditating for me. I have to do it when the baby is either sleeping or happily lying in his bassinet, watching me, watching the world.

I am getting really good at looking for creative solutions for little problems and using up moments of time, instead of large blocks of time. Now, if I could only convince the baby to stay still long enough in the sling or the wrap to sit down and work on creative writing...I guess that's the next challenge.

What My Son Has Taught Me

My son was born less than a month ago and yet he has already taught me so many things. He has taught me that I need to cherish every moment with him because time indeed does seem to fly and already he is growing and growing. He has taught me that I need to be organized all the time, so that I can get done everything I need to, for him, for my family, for myself. He has taught me that I need to do instead of just plan, which is something that I often did--plan, plan, plan and never got around to doing. He has taught me the importance of patience, that a mother learns to watch and admire how fast a child learns and how difficult it is to learn at the same time. He has taught me to truly believe in miracles, as he is one. He has taught me that I need to take care of myself, physically, spiritually and emotionally, so I can be there for him always and so I can be an example. And most of all, he has taught me that a child is a blessing that keeps bringing more and more blessings as the days go on.